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These Fists Were Made For Fighting (per capita)

from Starlite Drive by L Henderson

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about

This song was originally written by me in 2005. My old band "per capita" (San Jose/Milpitas) recorded a demo version on what wound up being our only CD/album. I rediscovered it because Byron (bass) found a copy of the demo and brought it to my attention. I've grown a lot as a musician since then (we all have tbh) and I wanted to do a version of the song that was as close to the original but executed how I heard it in my head when writing it. I love the parts Spencer, Ben, and Byron played on the original a lot and this version is not a criticism for the teenagers behind the original demo. Things will never be the same, and that's a good thing, but I want to honor where and who I come from.

I was still closeted about a lot of things when I wrote this. Holding in my truth for the sake of others was my reality for so long. Being out in the open about my queerness, mental health stuff, traumas, addictions, I can look back on this period of unresolved trauma, mistakes, and pain with love... like real love for who I had to be versus the usual pain and betrayal of not fitting into my environment or even myself. It used to hurt too much to explore the songs and read the words I used to write, but now I think it's important that I never forget this stuff... because if I felt my version of this for so long, there's definitely a bunch of people out there who may feel this way too. I feel the need to express love for that version of myself in order for others to know they may one day be able to do so. Also, it's easier to never go back there if I know exactly what I was feeling and doing when I got there... so it's not completely altruistic.

Anyway, I re-recorded all the parts to the song myself 14 years later. I know this won't mean as much to everyone, but I would be betraying my own truth if I didn't say that this project hasn't been a big thing for me. Sifting through the versions of myself I used to be in order to have a better understanding of the person I am and what impact I have. Honesty is the key, growth is the goal, enjoyable music is just a delightful coincidence.

lyrics

My heart begins to atrophy
compassion turns to apathy
I'm hiding all my hell from you
I don't know what you're gonna do

I can't keep on, I just can't keep on
I've got a darkness deep inside of me
and fire burning patiently
that you'll never see
and these hands were made for holding in
but these fists were made for fighting
I just can't keep on

and that's just fine
I'll keep it all inside of me
that's just fine
I'll keep it all inside of me

cause there's nothing like a desperate cry from inside of me

credits

from Starlite Drive, released December 2, 2019

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L Henderson Brooklyn, New York

I'm L. They/them pronouns. Just the letter L.

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